Remembering the Past

I'm at work tonight. It's such a blessing to have a job that I love and a job where I can minister to hurting women. As I sit here at work each week, I can see how God had a plan and purpose for everything I've been through.

I've been reading from Deuteronomy. I never knew it was such a good book. God has spoken to me so much through this study. I see myself in the Israelites. God blessed them, blessed them again, and continued to bless them. They obeyed, then sinned, then confessed, then turned away from God again, and on and on it goes. God continued to take them back. But they had to pay for their disobedience.

God has had His hand of favor and blessing on my life. It's so evident to me and to others in my life. But, like the Israelites, so many times, I've turned away from God's blessings and have done my own thing. God has been so faithful and kind to continue to take me back. I'm very grateful. There have been consequences though. God takes our committment to Him seriously.

I have found that remembering the past is helpful to me. In Deut., Moses reminded them of the past. He was constantly reminding them of where they had been and what God had done for them. In AA, it says, we do not forget the past, nor do we wish to shut the door on it. So, it's good to remember. Remembering the past makes me so grateful for today. Remembering how God has taken care of me and provided for me in the past helps me have confidance that He will do it again.

I want to be obedient. God deserves my obedience. It is only by the grace of God that I am who I am and that I am where I am today. God brought me from a life of bondage to a life of freedom. He delivered me for a purpose. He has given me a passion for hurting women. I have the privilege of working with hurting women every weekend. God is so good. I'm a very grateful woman today.

Kim

Among princes or in the Garbage Dump?

This morning I read in Psalm 113 that God lifts us from the dirt and from the garbage dump and places us among princes.

How awesome is that? That just made my day. I am so grateful today to be standing among princes and not wallowing in the garbage dump. Oh God....help me NEVER go back to that garbage dump again. By the grace of God, I'll keep on in this journey. I'll just keep doing the next right thing.

Kim

My BFF

Today was a great day for me. A good day always starts off with me being clean and sober. If I'm clean and sober, it's a good day. I can be grateful. But the special thing about today was spending it with my bff. Yes, I had lunch and went shopping with JP. I always have a great time with her. I guess if you're going to know me, you have to know about JP.

I guess JP is about my favorite person(other than my kids) in the whole world. You see, JP knew me back when things weren't so good for me and my kids. She was my neighbor. When we first met at the church where my, then husband, was pastor, I had no idea what a dear friend she would be to me. She also had no idea what she was getting into by being my friend. We began to build a relationship. JP was the first person who ever had the courage to tell me that I was a battered wife....to leave. She kept telling me this until I finally believed her. I didn't leave though for about 2 years. JP and her husband, RP, were my lifesavors. They were "Jesus in skin" to me. I don't think I've ever seen Jesus in anyone more than I've seen in them. They truly are my heroes.

Let me tell you about their home. When I found myself(and my kids) in a scary, dangerous situation with my husband, I would many times run to JP's house. I would lay on her couch and rest. It was safe there. It was my refuge for those 2 years.

RP and JP literally risked their lives for me and my kids. They "saved" us so many times. They wisked us off to safety and took us to a safe hiding place. They did more than anyone ever has for me. When others looked away, ignored, didn't believe, they were there.

I love them. I always will. I know God is blessing their home. I wish you could all meet them.

That's why I had such a great day today.

Kim

God satisfies

Psalm 90:13-16....Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us see your miracles again; let our children see your glory at work.

This excited me when I read it this morning. This has been my life for the last 2 years. When I wake up in the morning, I am satisfied and excited about the day. I have felt God's unfailing love in my life these last 2 years. Some days I haven't been very worthy of His love, but that's the cool thing about God. He loves me anyway. I have a joyful song in my heart today. I love to listen to my Christian radio and praise God for His love and mercy. God has certainly given me gladness to replace the years of misery. I know misery. I know despair. Last week, I had a phone conversation that reminded me of the misery I was in. I'm grateful that today, I have gladness. The evil years I've lived have been replaced with good. It hasn't been a bed of roses for me these last 2 years, but it's still been good. Today is a good day because I'm sober and free from abuse. I have had the privilege of seeing so many miracles performed in my life. I KNOW that God is real and He's active in my life. I pray that I never forget what God has done for me. I guess the next part of the verse is my biggest prayer today...let my children see your glory at work. I want so much for my children to experience what I have. I want my children to believe God. I want them to know of His unfailing love. I want them to experience real, deep down joy. My prayer is that God will reveal Himself to my children and that they will recognize it and accept it.

I'm excited today. I have so much hope for the things going on in my family today. God has been huge in my life in the past and He will be today. I'm grateful.

Kim

I am weak, but He is strong...

It's so cool the way God gives us just what we need when we need it. I struggle so much with beating myself up because of leaving my kids in our abusive relaltionship so long. So many times I struggle with feelings like a failure as a mother. But then I read something like the devotion from Prov.31 this morning. The Scripture for today is...My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness. I'm definitely at the end of myself. I can't do this with Matthew. I'm not capable to lead Matthew through this dark, hurting, rebellious time in his life. I can't, but God can.

I've been feeling so out of control this week. I can't control Matthew. I can't make him do right. I can't control the outcome of this situation. In the past, when I am not in control, that's when I would drink/use pills. Praise God that TODAY, I'm not handling it that way. I'm working really hard to let God be in control. I'm just trying to use the tools that have been given to me to do the right thing. God, give me a heart that desires to obey You no matter what is going on around me. That's my prayer. That's what has kept me clean and sober for over a year. Today I will hold onto the Truth that God is made strong in my weakness. Amen.

Kim

God is still good....

Sometimes life is very hard. Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen the way they do. When things are really tough, it's even hard to see how God could be in control. I know that God being in control isn't based on my feelings.

Being a mother has to be the thing that brings the most joy in my life. But sometimes it brings hurt and disappointment. It's hard for me, as a mother, to watch my child go down the same destructive path that I went down at his age. Last night was a horrible night. I was afraid. I had to take my son to the ER for this destructive path he's heading down. As I look back on last night, I can see God in it. God has his hands on my family. He has his hands on Matthew. How do I know this? God allowed me to find vital info. on matthew's myspace. God allowed Matthew to have a breakdown last night and get him to the hospital. God has given me the strength so far to deal with this hard situation. When I am weak, God is strong. I'm counting on this over the days to come. This is my hope.

God is good. I have tasted the Lord's goodness. He's still good in tough circumstances. I will believe God to see us through this trial. I look forward to what God has for Matthew and for me.

Please pray for us.

Kim

The Goodness of the Lord....

Yesterday I talked about the goodness of the Lord. I've experienced that goodness. My life has been good. For the first time in a long time, I have the good life. Why would I make the decision to go back to my old life? I have enjoyed about 15 months of sobriety. I've enjoyed a little over 2 years of freedom from abuse. I've enjoyed an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus. I've enjoyed the love and support of people that God has put in my life. So why did I make the willful choice to go back?

It's what I know. I was very comfortable in the pit for about 20 years. I had set up home there. I really didn't want to get out of the pit. But I was at the end of myself....I had nowhere to look but to Jesus. I cried out from the pit and Jesus scooped me up and placed me on a solid foundation. I was weak and unsure and unsteady, but God was right there with me till I got some strength about me.

After being out of the pit for over a year, I am still drawn back to it. I've done pretty well(with God's help) staying far away from the pit until recently. I have been walking so close to pit here lately. In Psalm 73:2, it says...."But as for me, I came so close to the edge of the cliff! My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone." This is where I've been for the last month. I had 2 nights of disobedience and a month later, I'm still so close to the edge that it's scary.

I'm drawn to the bottle. It's what I know. It's where I go when things are scary, unsure, seemingly hopeless, etc. I want to escape when things are too tough. But that is the old Kim. The new Kim runs to Jesus. A little further in Psalm 73:21-26 it says...."Then I realized how bitter I had become, how pained I had been by all I had seen. I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."

I claim this Scripture for me and for my kids. Everything will be fine if I simply obey God.

Kim